Sex Awards 2009
Hard times are upon us. But amid all the doom and gloom, there is at least one kernel of happiness to warm our hearts and beds – wonderful, glorious, magnificent, delicious sex! Or not, as the case may be. Here’s our round-up of the strange, startling and downright bizarre sex trends and stories of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Hot Press Sex Awards 2009.
Anne Sexton, 11 Dec 2009
WORRYING TREND OF THE YEAR AWARD
Lingerie may be one of the few recession-proof businesses and as the global economy went into freefall, canny retailers decided it was time to revise classic boxers and tightie-whitie briefs. On the catwalks and in men’s magazines, hot young models could be seen wearing colourful kecks, extreme g-strings and one-sided briefs. The not so hot modelled a variety of ‘shapewear’ garments – vests and boxers offering ‘support’ and ‘compression’ and the mirdle – a male girdle designed to suck in that beer belly. From here it was only a hop, skip and a worrying jump to actual lingerie for men – lace-trimmed camisoles, frilly knickers and see-through G-strings. Fine if you’re crossing dressing on top as well, but – Jesus! – don’t do it underneath boys!
MOST RIDICULOUS HOMOPHOBE AWARD
Oh, there were plenty to choose from in 2009 – The Daily Mail’s Jan Moir for her grubby insinuations regarding the events surrounding Stephen Gately’s death and good old Fr. John Owen, who blamed the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse of children on gay men, for starters. But in terms of sheer ridiculousness you just can’t beat Michal Grzes from Poland’s right-wing opposition Law and Justice party who got into a snit because he believes his local zoo spent good money on a pink pachyderm. Eek! Horrors! A gay elephant! Ninio, the cause of all the fuss, has yet to reach sexual maturity, but so far he prefers the company of males.
THE GLAD TO BE IRISH AWARD
In a recent survey, 15,000 women from twenty countries gave British men the thumbs down for being lazy lovers – they achieved second place on the list of world’s worst lovers. Irish men, you’ll be glad to hear, came fifth on the list of the world’s best. Erin go bragh!
THE TACKY IN EVERY WAY AWARD
Iceland, the downmarket chain of UK supermarkets announced that it is developing an aphrodisiac pizza call Pizzagra – a contraction of pizza and Viagra. Oh clever! Not. Pizzagra toppings include artichoke, asparagus, ginger, garlic, onions, chocolate, strawberry and banana – all supposed aphrodisiacs. Iceland says the pizza should “set pulses racing and libidos leaping”. If enough British people can be fooled into thinking eating large amounts of fat and salt will improve their sex lives, then their silver star in the world’s worst lovers poll is truly deserved.
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