Having Many Lovers is Wonderful
For sex, that is. But what about loving them? Or falling in love with more than one at a time? That’s where Polyamory can get tricky. But maybe it’s worth the effort – and the risk.
Anne Sexton, 27 Nov 2009
We lie in bed, arms wrapped around one another – the perfect picture of two lovers in repose. As he snuggles up to me and kisses my hair, I wonder: was this a mistake?
Aidan is my ex – and therein lies the first problem.
We have history, and it makes matters more complicated. Returning to a former lover is like re-reading a book or watching a film the second time around. Without the unexpected plot turns to catch you off-guard, it can be a richer, more satisfying experience; but sometimes you can’t help but wish that the narrative would veer off-course and find a new trajectory – that this time Juliet wakes up before Romeo drinks the poison or that Heathcliff and Cathy settle down to a life of quiet domesticity.
I suspect that I already know how this story will end – and therein lies the second problem. Nothing’s changed in the years since I last dated him. He’s still messy, still somewhat hyperactive, still manages to hog most of the hot water when he takes a bath – all qualities I found annoying the first time. More importantly, Aidan is still a polyamorist, and me? Well, let’s just say I’m not so sure.
He props himself up on one arm and looks at me. “We have to talk,” he says.
This is the “where do we go from here?” conversation I’ve been dreading – because, frankly, I really don’t know.
Polyamory, the idea of multiple intimate and loving relationships, is something that has long fascinated me. My friend Tatiana was involved in a polyamorous marriage for several years and another friend, Aaron, has been flirting with the idea for some time. From a purely intellectual point of view, polyamory makes sense. Modern relationships exert extraordinary pressure on us and perhaps sharing the responsibility is wise.
“I want you in my life,” Aidan says. “But you know who I am.”
In some ways it would be perfect. He needs a lot of attention, more than I am able to give him, as we live in different cities. But he’s considering moving back to Dublin and I’m not sure I want him to. At the moment, his need for multiple partners doesn’t bother me, but if I allowed him to disrupt the harmony of my life, would I want more than a part-time share of his attention? Would I feel jealous as he kissed me good-bye on his way out the door to visit another lover. I think I would.
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