Sexed up: So you want to get my knickers down?
Well, here’s what not to do! We proudly present The Sexed Up Guide to the Mistakes Too Many Men Make When They Are Trying To Get A Woman Into Bed.
Anne Sexton, 10 Jul 2009
Life is a rich tapestry of pleasure, pain and mystery – music, good food, laughter, the magic of sex and the depths of the human heart, quantum physics, the cruelty of war, the tragedy of ageing, the quest for knowledge, the Bermuda Triangle and the unfathomable idea of God. But the greatest mystery of all is the essential “otherness” of other people. There’s nothing so depraved that someone somewhere hasn’t enjoyed it, just as there’s no act of kindness we’ve neglected either. Why people behave the way they do is one mystery, but men are a complete sub-category of weirdness all by themselves.
Women are often caught unawares by the sheer oddness of men. We shake our heads and ask ourselves, what the hell is he thinking? Nowhere is this more pronounced than in the negotiation of sexual relations. Seduction is a delicate art. It requires both a soupçon of finesse and a dollop of common sense, but men frequently blunder in with size eleven feet and trample upon any interest you might have had in them. Why they do this I’ll never know. But what I can tell you is that there are certain actions, behaviours and idiosyncrasies that leave a woman cold and have her wondering if joining a convent would make for a simpler, happier experience. Read and learn, boys!
Begging For Sex
There are few things in life less sexy than a whiner, and at the bottom of the whiner’s league are the men that have formed the false impression that nagging unlocks the door to a woman’s heart or at least admits temporary accommodation to her pants. There are, I’ll admit, occasions when a woman may be willing to change her mind, but nagging ain’t gonna to do it. Begging may not be on a par with overpowering physical force in the lexicon of crimes against womanhood, but it’s certainly annoying – and deeply, deeply unsexy. You sound like a spoilt little girl – and only perverts fancy those.
Drunken Office Louts
There’s something about a bloke who tries to pull you on a Friday evening wearing his Friday morning office outfit that makes me a little queasy. He’s not an attractive sight – he’s been drinking since 5.30, his tie is skew, his shirt-tails are hanging out of his pants and the smell of work clings to his skin like a miasma of sweat and desperation. Go home and have a shower, buddy boy! If I’ve spent quality time in the bathroom and wielded the hairdryer to great effect, I deserve better – or at the very least, fresher.
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