Not The Marrying Kind

Certain gay commentators have expressed surprise at the wave of support for same sex marriage. But, says our columnist, gay relationships are of equal value to heterosexual partnerships

, 09 Sep 2010

Before thousands marched (yet again) in the streets of Dublin for Marriage Equality last Sunday, the redoubtable Suzy Byrne contributed a passionate broadside against the consensus in LGBT circles in support of gay marriage on the women's blog The Anti-Room (url.ie/78o6). She is mystified by the enthusiasm that the second wave of feminists is displaying in support of the institution that has been so anti-women for so long. Marriage, Byrne reminds us, has “previously barred women from employment, excluded them from claiming social welfare, was a reason to pay them less, and... was considered permission for rape until the early 1990s”. She wonders about the phenomenon of women losing their identity when they get married, and of somehow being seen as less valuable in society if they don't. She doesn't use the phrase, but the gist of her article is that she believes that feminists who are actively seeking to be included in the institution of marriage are like turkeys voting for Christmas.

One of the most valuable dimensions about being a gay man, in my opinion, is the engagement it offers with gay/lesbian women on an intellectual/political plane. Unencumbered by any desire on each other's part to objectify or sexualise or romanticise each other, there's a spaciousness in the discourse that I find invigorating, and a respect for each other as individuals. If heterosexuality at its best brings about a respect between the sexes, based on an acknowledgment of mutual attraction and need, homosexuality can engender a respect between the sexes that is valuable precisely because there is no erotic or relational pay-off, other than a humanist/political/philosophical appreciation that we tread similar, but parallel paths through life, on either side of the (ever-shifting) axis of gender. It's as if the tragi-comic influence of sexuality is removed, allowing us to see each other clearly. And there's no When Harry Met Sally-like denial or sublimation or rejection of physical attraction – it just isn't there to begin with. Great recipe for friendship, I find.

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