Pyro for pornos
Introducing The XXX Factor, a talent show that auditions wanna-be young things for a future in the porno industry. Oh, and a guy from Wisconsin sets fire to his todger. No, really.
Sam Snort, 29 Mar 2007
Wrap my cock in green shamrock, but that’s Paddy’s Day over and done with for another beer! Sorry, year.
In common with the vast majority of the population of this fair isle, Ireland’s greatest undying rock columnist – that’s Samuel J. Snort to you – spent the big day binge drinking. Of course, I spend the other 364 days of the year binge drinking as well, but there’s always something special about getting hammered on St. Patrick’s Day.
It really makes you proud to be Irish – all that puking, belly-aching and scrapping on the street.
The fact that the cream of our political talent piss off out of the country to kiss arse around the world also helps to make the day that little bit more special. Let’s face it, if they’re not here, they can’t introduce any more botched legislation, ban anything nice, or accept any bribes from redneck builders.
Even the Snort Towers houseboys, Ernesto and Raul, got in on the act. Ernesto woke me up on Paddy’s Day morning with a jug of absinthe.
“Ah, boggorah, ‘tis yerself!” he announced, as he barged into my room. “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye, Sam, and may the leprechauns never pick your hole, the bishop never ride your firstborn, and Michael McDowell never get re-elected.”
Just behind him, Raul began to sing, “Oh Sammy boy/ the pipes/ the pipes are calling…” He has a lousy singing voice, but at least the pipes he was referring to were well stuffed with prime green weed.
Not bad for a pair of wasted Filipinos. I gave the two of them the day off for their efforts.
Louis, Louis
Of course, just because it was Paddy’s Day, it didn’t mean that Sam wasn’t hard at work. I had Louis Walsh around in the afternoon to discuss some important business.
Louis’s really pissed off at getting fired from the X-Factor by Simon Cowell, and has sworn revenge.
Many moons ago, I drew up a proposal for a raunchy show called The XXX Factor. Essentially it was the same deal as the other show, except competitors were auditioning for a starring role in a porno movie rather than a recording deal (from which they’ll be quietly dropped several months later). Admittedly, I stole the idea from a chapter in Martin Amis’s fine novel Money, but nothing’s original these days anyway (and Louis knows all about that!).
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