The walls have ears
The way they’re building apartments nowadays, the walls really do have ears. And that means that your wilder sexual cavortings can be heard by all and sundry – as our intrepid reporter discovers when her brother and his girlfriend move in.
Anne Sexton, 02 Jul 2007
I hate developers! Hate them. Not content with charging an arm and a leg, the promise of your firstborn and a contract signed in blood before they’ll give you an apartment, the bastards are frequently too cheap to provide actual walls between one room and the next in your ‘bijou’ residence.
At first I marvelled – what kind of space age, technologically advanced material had they used to build the walls? They looked study enough and yet were no thicker than the gossamer wings of a fairy. If Thomas was in the kitchen and I needed servicing – or merely a cup of tea – there was no need to shout at him to get his ass into the bedroom. A loud whisper was enough.
We realised soon enough that the neighbours could hear us too. After all, well, we could hear them. They seemed quite fond of The Simpsons while Thomas and I prefer more energetic activities. But we decided that apartment living, while it does mean you are literally and figuratively on top of one another, was fairly anonymous. As long as we didn’t get too friendly with the neighbours, we wouldn’t worry too much about disturbing them. That was the idea anyway. Three months later they moved out. Happy days. At the moment it’s all quiet on the Western Front, at least until some poor sucker rents next door.
The lack of proper walls was all very well until we got roommates in the shape of my brother David, and his missus, Haley. Lured to Dublin’s fair city by promises of well-paying jobs, they have upped sticks from South Africa and are currently living with us. Those cheeky chaps, the developers, obviously thought it would be a great bit of craic altogether to have both bedrooms backing onto each other with nothing but these lovely flimsy tissue-like walls between them.
I have mentioned before that I tend to be a bit, ahem… expressive, in my appreciation of a good shag. This is fine most of the time, but it’s a bit of a liability when your brother is only inches away. Furthermore, while I hope that he and his good lady have a wonderful, exciting and mutually fulfilling sex life, I really don’t want to have to be aurally assaulted with the evidence.
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